So, I downloaded Tinder.*

 

*again

Because obviously it was so successful the previous time around (insert eye rolling emoji here). I think I have been on it now, for all of maybe two weeks? And already, the novelty is wearing off.

It was over lunch, that my friend Aggy, (who incidentally, I met in an epic Tinder fail) that suggested I download it again. She and I met randomly at work. Whilst killing time, we got chatting on the subject of Tinder and relationships and after a bit, it became apparent that we had been dating the SAME asshole. This guy was dating about four other girls at the same time and came with more baggage than Lady Gaga on a world tour. That lazy guy was even sending us the same photos and videos – so original. Thankfully, we saw the funny side and have been great friends ever since. They do say that every cloud has a silver lining, and meeting Aggy was definitely the silver lining in that situation.

Anyway, being a traveller, if I open up the app in other countries, I get the chance to read blurbs of different guys in different places, and what I have come to realise, is there’s a blurb trend. FYI, when I say blurb, I mean that little information thing on their profile. And to be honest, the worst blurb award has to go to Dubai.

On the contrary, guys in San Francisco, tend to be blurbing about their star sign, being feminists, on how they are 110% anti Trump and also about not being racist (wow). The complete opposite end of the spectrum to Dubai, where guys are a little more blurb blunt.

Now, I one hundred per cent know that there are good guys out there in Dubai (we are just having trouble finding them and to be honest, I do actually question wether a superficial app is the way to go in search of these rare breeds) however, some of the blurbs on these profiles are so ridiculous that I just have to share some examples of the calibre of a small selection of guys we are faced with on the Dubai dating scene, and just for you, I have included some of my favourite snippets. The top three photos for Tinder Dubai men include, a posing topless gym shot, standing next to a super car, and a SkyDiveDubai shot.

When I was out with my guy mates last week, I asked to see their Tinder apps out of curiosity to see what kind of pictures girls use. I asked them about what women write on their profiles and I discovered that there is a distinct difference in what men and women also write in their blurbs. Women mainly write nothing, myself included. The reason that I personally write nothing is only so that it generates a kind of curiosity. My logic being that if the person is curious to know what I like to eat; watch and do in my free time etc, then they can ask me themselves.

A few opening lines from guys have actually been, “What are you looking for?”. Good question? And one that I don’t actually know the answer to – other than someone who isn’t an asshole and who actually wants to do cool stuff together? Maybe spend some time on a beach? Meh.

But guys. Well, it’s almost as though they are looking for something acutely specific. Like they have a pre meditated checklist which requires all boxes to be ticked before they’ll even consider a swipe right. (Below are REAL quotes taken from a select few charming Tinder profiles that I have had the joy to stumble upon)

“Must not be a pyscho.”

“Must enjoy extreme sports.”

“No clingers please.”

“If you’re not educated, don’t bother.”

“If you don’t like dogs, don’t swipe right.”

“If you’re too lazy to write in the about you section then don’t expect me to swipe right.”

I wondered, why aren’t women doing the same? Maybe women think that if we actually wrote exactly what we really wanted, then guys would read it and swipe left godspeed. But girls, I think that maybe we should be more specific and actually write a list of criteria that guys must meet. That way we can filter out the idiots, because lets face it, they’re basically filtering us.

If we ladies all did write exactly what we are looking for, mine would read like this,

28 and based in Dubai.

Looking for a guy who:

  • Can make me laugh, and is good fun
  • Will not judge me because even though I am educated, I am partial to E! channel
  • Is a genuine human who is kind, and not superficial
  • Wants me, but doesn’t need to be with me 24/7
  • Has good hygiene and takes pride in their appearance
  • Will make me feel like I am the prettiest girl in the room
  • Can appreciate that I am still a credible person even if I don’t want to sky dive or bungee jump.
  • Eats pretty healthily (but every now and again can eat a pizza)
  • Has a drivers license and a job
  • Has integrity, ambition and drive.
  • Handsome because lets face it, I am only human.

Bonus Points for guys who

  • Have a car
  • Can build flatpack furniture
  • Are tall (er than me)
  • Buy me flowers every now and again

Not looking for a guy who

  • Lies & cheats
  • Smothers me*
  • Is only after sex

*I don’t mean literally. I mean smothering me in the sense of being so keen that I feel like I might need to change my name, address and go ex-directory like that Destiny’s Child song, ‘Bug A Boo’

I bet that if I actually wrote the above on my profile, my matches would drop dramatically. But I guess we will never actually know ’cause I am going to delete it anyways. The point is, that even after all these swipes, and all of these matches which never really seem to amount to much more than polite conversation, Tinder feels just somewhat like a bit of a game where you see how many good looking guys fancy you back, and to be honest, it takes up too much time. That’s time that I could be doing better things, like going to the gym and seeing my friends, (or watching the Kardashian’s because I love that show and I don’t even care who knows it).

So yeah, I am giving up on Tinder, and if you I am the girl of ya’ dreams, then maybe we will meet IRL, where I look like a more dishevelled version of my Instagram self. Either that or you can send me a smoke signal.

The conclusion? It is in-fact easier to find a good hairdresser in Dubai than it is to find a perfect match.

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