MEN VS WOMEN

There are some fundamental differences between the female and male species. I have discovered these fundamental differences through a variety of methods including thorough observations of the species in their natural habitat*. Other methods include at length discussions between groups of friends – friends hailing from both halves of the species.

HABITATS:

  • PILLOWS – why are men so anti pillows and cushions? I quite like the sensation of feeling like I am squished into a gigantic marshmallow when I am lying in my bed. It makes it extra cosy. So, I cannot comprehend why pretty much all guys sleep with only two pillows on their supersize-extra-macho-man-sized-beds. Not to mention, the two chosen pillows are usually as fluffy as a slab of concrete. I asked my friends about this too, who after much debate, we realised that yes, most men, unless they live with a girlfriend, only have two pillows on their beds. When asked why, the general consensus was, “Because that’s all you need.” WRONG. I need four pillows and several cushions on my bed (current cushion count? FOUR and probably counting because I have a planned IKEA trip at the end of August). I have a theory that men only buy two pillows because they want girls to lie with their heads on their chest while they sleep, thus rendering extra pillows useless.
  • COMPLEX TV SYSTEMS – I have lived in Dubai for three years. I bought my first Dubai TV, a mere seven months ago. My guy friends looked a bit sorry for me when they found out that I was a pathetic TV-less soul. “How have you survived without a TV? What do you even do at night? What does your furniture face?” Erm, I am too busy, having a life??? And FYI, my furniture faced a mirror before. The point is, from the savings on pillows, cushions and extra pillow cases, men can afford big fancy TVs. Ones that come with surround sound speakers and three sets of remote controls. They can flick between the TV and their laptops sometimes with some kind of magic technology, and they even use a secret language talking about “KODI” and stuff. Anyway, I digress – the main difference here is that they have billion TV channels and I have none, because I have Apple TV. And I don’t know how to tune a telly.
  • COLOUR SCHEMES – After comparing my bed to a Marshmallow before, I think my flat is pretty much a continuation of marshmallow-dom, now that I look around and think about my colour scheme. Everything is that Pantone wishy washy pale, pink, or pastel blue and grey. E V E R Y T H I N G. From the bedding, candles and lampshades, to the dishes in the kitchen. One night we had a fajitas night at my friends flat downstairs (they have a similar girly colour scheme because IKEA have made that colour scheme a rather affordable one) and sitting around the table watching four of our guy friends eating fajitas off of pale pink plates, and using cute little polka dot napkins was nothing short of hilarious, considering the times we’ve gone to theirs and been thrown a piece of kitchen roll as a “serviette”.
  • CANDLES – I bought my mum a beautiful Pomegranate Noir Jo Malone candle. Any time my mum lights it, (or any other candle for that matter), my dad upturns his nose, and tells her to “blow that thing out” because it makes him feel sick. Oh that’s rich, considering it’s the same fragrance as my mum’s perfume. I don’t think boys understand candles, really. They make your house smell nice and they look a bit like twinkly fairy lights when they are all lit, even though it’s not Christmas. What’s the problem?

FASHION: (except for my one friend who is a dedicated follower of fashion. He irons his stuff religiously and would never judge the amount of shoes I own because he too, appreciates his shoes.)

  • IRONING – Unless it’s a shirt reserved for a fancy occasion, why don’t guys iron anything? It’s like they are opposed unless their maid does it on their behalf. Don’t they know that the editor of Vogue suggests that the number one way to making your clothes look more expensive is merely to iron them??? You too can look like your dress in Prada (and not in Primark) if you’d only iron your clothes! Think of the money they’d save!
  •  SHOES – I wish the male species would stop asking girls why we have so many shoes. I LIKE THEM, OK? Why do men have so many sports channels? You can only watch one at a time. Same as ‘I can only wear one pair of shoes at a time’.
  • BATHROOMS – The male species will most likely have one aftershave, one face cream, one deodorant, and a 3in1 shampoo and body wash effort in his bathroom. If he’s especially house-trained, there’ll be some toilet roll in there. This is opposed to the female bathroom which includes at least four perfumes, three face creams, a serum, a face wash, five body lotions, and let’s not even talk about the haircare products. There will also be a minimum of three toilet rolls (because no girl ever wants to run out of toilet paper.) and a dodgy gift set from Boots that you haven’t opened yet.

FREE TIME:

  • SPORTS – the male species frequently get together and watch other males run around in shorts chasing things like a ball around grass. Most females don’t bother with this. When we get together, we wear nice shoes and drink Prosecco out of fancy glasses.
  • SHOPPING – men see this as a chore. If forced to go shopping, they will complain that a female asked them to carry the bags. They will tell said female that things (which definitely do not look fine) look, ‘fine’ just so that she will buy it, and can go home quicker. More fool him – she will drag him back to return it the following week after her friend tells her that it is definitely not fine. Males can be found hovering awkwardly near fitting rooms staring endlessly at the clock on their phone screens. Note, there is no such thing as a ‘quick look’ in a shop. If a girl ever says this to a guy, just know, that a quick look is about as quick as the first half of a football match.

BONDING:

  • COMPLIMENTS – The female species compliment each other all the time, noticing things like new outfits and haircuts. They say things like, “Did you get your hair done? It really suits you! I love it!”. This is a stark contrast to the male species who will give compliments by being mean to one another. “You had a haircut? Didn’t think you had enough hair left for a haircut.” i.e.. ‘I noticed you got your hair cut, but I do not want to appear gay by telling you that I noticed and it looks nice.’ Although, to be fair, when a girl gets her hair cut, guys rarely notice anyway. And if they do notice, it’s either because it’s been a drastic hair cut, or it’s not a flattering style.
  • WHATSAPP – The male species are usually members of a guys only WhatsApp group where they send each other rude and vile videos. That being said, girls also have a females only WhatsApp group where they also send videos and pictures, however, these pictures are usually unforgiving screen shots of girls on Instgram who they either don’t like, or who their boyfriend seems to like a bit too much. Both parties will screenshot pictures of the person they fancy/are going on a date with and send to their respective group, for group approval. If you live in Dubai (or any other expat community) the group will most likely refer to the datee by their country of origin ie. ‘The German’ ‘The South African’, and even when the person interrupts the group chat with, “She has a name you know…” generally, the male species group will ignore this fact and continue to call the girl by her nationality.
  • GIFTS – The male species do not buy each other birthday gifts, let alone a card. Probably because they are lazy, but also because they do not like others to see their scrawly handwriting. They merely slap each other on the back and buy extra rounds of drinks for that night. The female species however, will debate over cute cards in the card shop, and spend ages trying to tie a nice bow around the gift that they spent a couple of hours online shopping for. We females need to be less offended when guys don’t bother to wrap our presents, and more grateful that we actually got one. We also need to care less about the crappy wrapping paper. It gets ripped off in two seconds flat anyway. (This will also save us some money to put towards a TV-installation-man-fund.)

FOOD CHOICES:

  • SNACKS – The male species generally eat less snacks, compared to the female species. My female squad generally have daily craving for chocolate or sweet stuff, except my bestie, who is a human anomaly (she has a daily craving for spicy cheese puffs and has a bag per day habit). My bad habit is Coke Zero but it’s coupled with an extreme chocolate addiction which I am currently working on. The male species eat less snacks, probably because they eat larger meals. The other day after a day out at the beach, ignorant to our girl pleas of healthy food, we ended up in none other than The Cheesecake Factory as chosen by the boys. Snacks aren’t required for a week after a stint in there.

To conclude, these are some basic but fundamental differences between men and women, of which there are many, many more. As ever, there are always exceptions to the rules, like my friend who irons his clothes, and my friend who prefers cheese puffs over Nutella any day, However, I  hope that this acts as a buffer for those of you who are naive enough to think that you’re being romantic by buying your boyfriend a candle for his birthday, or some cushions for his housewarming gift. He won’t thank you, nor will he thank you for that AED15 per sheet of wrapping paper you so nicely shopped for in Paperchase.

*If you’re going to get all ‘I AM A FEMINIST’ on me, then please be aware that this a bit of a joke and you really need to calm down and stop taking life so seriously. I am all about equal pay and women’s rights too, but I also appreciate when a man holds a door open for me, even if I am perfectly capable of doing so myself. 

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