MEN DON’T FIT INTO NEAT LITTLE BOXES

My friend just sent me a YouTube video of a Derek Hart theory which states that there are four types of man, slotting categorically under the following headings:

• boy
• player
• confused man
• good man

After I watched it, (you can watch it too by clicking here) I found myself researching other articles about different types of men, because, realistically four categories does not seem space enough to pigeon hole all the men in the world into.

The video argues that a Boy, a Player and a Confused Man each have the ability to be a good man, but only if the decide to mature and step up to become one, (girls, read this carefully, and then read it again: THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU PERSONALLY CAN CHANGE HIM!).

“What do you think?” my friend asked me, after I watched the link. “Do you think that after being in Dubai for so long, that guys in Dubai fit into the four categories? Do you think their nationality impacts what category they’re more likely to fall under? I definitely think that British guys are generally more playboys and boys…”

I’ve been thinking about this, and the types of men that my friends, colleagues and I have encountered from work, nights out, dates etc etc, in Dubai over the years and so, I have chosen to compile a special Pamela Violet’s list of types of guys that are based in Dubai.

It goes like this:

 

THE RICH ONE

This guy doesn’t own just one fancy car. He probably owns about five, each of them with very fancy names that are difficult to pronounce. Maybe even with funny doors. He has a big shot job with a very vague job description and disappears for days at a time on business carting his LV luggage. He posts pictures on his social media, like his hand sitting on the steering wheel of his Rolls Royce, left arm just visible with his diamond encrusted Rolex peeping out under his shirt cuff. Or “Apartment Views” which is basically a sunset view from his penthouse apartment on the 200th floor overlooking the entirety of Dubai.

His idea of going out for dinner is just a causal affair like dinner at Nobu or Pier Chic, where he knows the staff by first name, (no deliveroo) and a small gift for him is a pair of shoes that cost your monthly salary. No biggie. His suits are hand made on Saville Row and he has a PA, maid and chef, and do not forget, he has not one, but TWO phones.

He buys tables at night clubs and does that thing where the staff all strut through the club in a line with bottles of Dom Pérignon that have sparklers shooting out the top, and is surrounded at any one time by at least ten girls who all look like they could be related to the Kardashians.

He will promise everyone the world via one of his two phones, but tread on those expensive gifted shoes with care girls, because nothing good in this world comes for free.

 

THE FUCKBOY PLAYBOY

The only one with ‘boy’ in the title, because despite these guy’s real age, they have the mental capacity and maturity of a twelve year old boy.

The type of guy who will send messages like, “U up?” to fifty percent of his phone book at 3am after too many drinks, anticipating that surely at least one girl will reply. The type of guy who simultaneously uses Tinder, Bumble, Happn, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel at the same time, in order to maximise his potential chances. The type of guy who will ignore your messages only to reply a month later like, “Sorry, had a busy few weeks.” Not too busy to Tinder and like multiple girls bikini pictures on instagram though, were you? The type of guy who goes on one date with a girl, and then doesn’t bother to message you after. The type of guy who makes you pay for what you ordered and makes you trek to his neck of the woods because the effort of meeting half way is just too much. The type of guy who goes on a night out and stalks prey, a bit like a ferocious lion stalking a baby gazelle in the wild, girls being the gazelles obviously.

He will never introduce you to his friends, unless it’s by accident, and even at that, it’ll be an introduction to your first name and not your status. This guy will never commit to plans either, no matter how sincere or exciting the plans are. “I’ll let you know.” he replies, if he chooses not to ignore your text invitation. This basically translates to, “If nothing better comes along, I might.” which, when you break it down, is pretty much a big fat, “no”.

He will never acknowledge your ‘relationship’ because to this guy, there is nothing between you two to acknowledge. His plans seldom go beyond the following weekend, so forget a future with this guy.

His close friend circle most likely includes The Serial Bruncher and The Girl Collector, and they are often found hanging around pools together, leering over women, a bit like the way herds of animals do at watering holes in Kenya.

 

THE WORKAHOLIC

The workaholic means well, he really does. But it’s just that he only means well in the 20 seconds before his phone goes yet again with another business call that, “Sorry, but I’ve GOT to take this…”.

He forgets everything, unless it’s a work related thing that his PA has set a reminder for. Forget impromptu weekend getaways, the only surprises you’ll get with this one are the “surprise” business trips away that he springs on you last minute when you two have plans.

Girl, you do not have a boyfriend. You have a part time date. NEXT!

 

THE HOLIDAY MAKER

The holiday maker downloads Tinder the week before he flies in order to scope out the girls. He will turn up with a brand new holiday wardrobe which he has been gradually purchasing over the last few months so that he will be looking top notch.

Despite the warnings that Dubai is hot, this man thinks he can beat the sun, and so he sets off to Zero Gravity and floats along on a unicorn pool inflatable wearing factor ten oil. Of course he burns and turns the shade of a plum tomato, with a high probability of sun stroke. By 6pm, shirtless and wearing only one flip-flop, he stumbles up to a group of out of his league girls and attempts to chat them up, however, to his dismay they can’t decipher what he is saying due to his slur. He retreats back to his sun lounger and logs into tinder, before passing out phone in hand, only to be rudely woken by the bouncer.

 

THE “I’M NOT GOING TO BE IN DUBAI FOR MUCH LONGER”

You’ve met him, and he ticks all of your boxes. No pyscho exes, normal job, normal clean living quarters and owns a vehicle that gets him from A to B, and just when you’re telling your friends you’re smitten that you’ve finally broke free from the endless stream of man idiots in Dubai, whilst doodling his name aimlessly while you’re on hold to DU to complain yet again about another bill they overcharged you for, he drops the bombshell on you that “This isn’t going to work, because I don’t plan to be in Dubai much longer.” Ouch.

Only, he’s lying. Because your friends all screenshot you that he’s still on tinder, six months later. And 12 months later, he’s still here on IG, posting about his one year anniversary in the sandpit and “cheers to many more!”.

 

THE SERIAL BRUNCHER

This guy is known by everyone. He is the life and soul of the party, and can handle more alcohol than five girls combined. He knows the best places to brunch, how to book and the cost without having to resort to google. Despite claims of being skint, he can always afford to go out, and his idea of a good date, is to bring you along to a brunch to meet his friends. While he is at the peak of his best self on a Friday afternoon, when Saturday comes around, he cannot be peeled from his bed due to the relentless hangover that is now upon him after a solid 12 hours of consuming a vast array of drinks. Conversely to the Thrill Seeker, he has McDonalds on speed dial for times like this (ie. every Saturday).

It doesn’t matter what you alternatively suggest or what event you’re hosting on a Friday; if it isn’t brunch, he’s not going. And forget about making plans for a Saturday. That day is the day of rest for this man. While he may make you feel like you’re the One, he only has room in his life for one thing, and that thing is brunch.

 

THE ACTIVE THRILL SEEKER

If this guy asks you out on the weekend, ladies BEWARE, unless jumping out of planes or skiing behind a speedboat is your bag. This guy has the body of an adonis (which you already knew from his topless profile picture) because he works out every day, and then some. He will not accompany you to a Friday brunch because he will already be up from 5am doing Yoga on the beach, followed by paddle boarding and then water skiing. He is probably vegan, or follows a strict diet plan, and will therefore silently judge you as you sip your (diet) coke as he sits opposite you slurping a fresh coconut. He will never eat McDonalds because he doesn’t get hangovers; not because he is a super hero, but because his diet and exercise regime does not allow for alcohol.

He says that likes his girls naturally beautiful, but could not spot false eyelashes or botox, and he definitely doesn’t even know that hair extensions and gel nails are a thing. His idea of a good holiday is camping out in the desert. He will not understand why you aren’t as thrilled as he is at the prospect of four days in a tent, despite there not being any toilet in the desert, let alone running water. Doesn’t he realise that girls need to wash their face and shave their legs? Hello!?

On the plus side, you’ll never have to put too much effort into your outfit because you can’t wear heels or mini dresses to these types of dates.

 

THE GIRL COLLECTOR

This guy is the male adult equivalent of a child in a sweet shop. It’s like putting your  niece or nephew in Toys R’ Us and telling them they have thirty seconds to fill their trolley with whatever they want, a la Supermarket Sweep style.

He is most likely to hail from some minute village that is so small, it’s not even on the map, hence his deer-in-headlight stare when any female wanders past. Black, white, asian, mixed, this man wants to sample them all. He is not biased towards woman, but knows nothing of other cultures other than how attractive their woman are.

His style is desperately lacking because small minute villages have extremely limited options when it comes to fashion. In fact, since moving to Dubai, his wardrobe has expanded threefold and now he has found the delights of H&M, where he promptly purchased a yellow tinted pair of silver aviators and a fluorescent vest in, Every. Single. Colour. (just to make sure the ladies don’t miss him at the beach club). He also wears a very cool trucker hat that says “MY DUBAI” or something equally cringey on the front.

 

And last but not least girls, we have the rarest one of all. The Golden Ticket of men. The diamond in the dirt. The one you’ve been looking for all along. He’s your trump card; the ace spades, and the one that most likely was found “in the wild” *

 

THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR

Had you seen this guy on tinder, you might have swiped left for whatever reason. Maybe he wasn’t tall enough, or maybe his occupation put you off. Maybe his bio was a bit cheesy or you didn’t like his style. Maybe you thought it was weird that he liked cats. (Oddly, a lot of girls find men who like cats weird? I like cats… whatever). Whatever reason, maybe you mis-judged him.

But these guys, are there all along, and maybe all the girls were too busy with one of the above categories to notice. Maybe he is a reformed man from one of the above categories who has seen the error of his ways and decided to shed his fuckboy skin and become a good man. Maybe someone broke his heart and, feeling the wrath of karma, he’s now vowed to only be nice to woman henceforth. Either way, all of a sudden, it’s like the lights have been switched on, and you wondered how you missed this guy.

He might not buy you 6000 dirham shoes, but that doesn’t matter when he makes you breakfast or when he picks you up after work. He texts you back. He lifts heavy things for you and holds the door open for you to go first. He holds your hand when you’re walking and gives you his jacket when you’re cold. He makes future plans with you and he CALLS you, as in an actual conversation, on the T-E-L-E-P-H-O-N-E. He sleeps with the AC on FREEZING, because you get too warm. He makes a little space for your things and posts pictures of you on his social media. He introduces you as his girlfriend to his friends and brings you to all his social events and buys free range eggs ever since you told him you’re trying to save the chickens.

Ladies, that’s the kind of guy you’re waiting for, and they exist.

 

So thinking back to earlier, when my friend asked me did I think that all men could fit into a particular category, or wether men share attributes of all the categories, I have to say the latter. I think that each and every man has the ability to be someone’s One You’ve Been Waiting For, if only they decide to be. At some point, The Serial Bruncher will get bored of the hangovers and brunch crowd, just as the Playboy will eventually tire of the meaningless casual flings that never amount to anything more substantial, and when that time comes, it’s only then can they grow into The One You’ve Been Waiting For. Whatever the reason, wether it’s because they feel hollow in their current category or wether they met a girl so good that they want to change, I think that men can transgress through different categories depending on their situation. Conversely,  maybe it’s our perception of a guy that is all wrong from the offset.

If he’s a reformer, change doesn’t always happen over night, but as the Paul Arden book says, “It’s not how good you are; it’s how good you want to be.” And while no man is perfect, no woman is either. We are all only as good as we decide to be.

x

 

PS. Watch out soon for a new blog post on different types of Dubai Girls muhahaha

*When I say, “in the wild”, I mean, natural habitat – not online or on some set up, and I stole that term right from the Girls Gotta Eat Podcast which you should definitely be listening to every single Monday.

 

 

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