“Stop touching your face, Pam.” Boyfriend tutted at me as we were waiting for the lifts.
I internally eye-rolled at him, and my tone of voice said just as much. “I KNOW”.
“Well, why do you keep doing it then?”
“BECAUSE THE BLOODY FACE MASK THAT WE HAVE BEEN TOLD TO WEAR IS TOO BIG FOR MY STUPID TEENY TINY FACE AND ANY TIME I TAKE A FOOTSTEP, IT SLIDES UPWARDS AND CATCHES ON MY EYELASHES AND I CANT SEE. SO, I NEED TO RE-ARRANGE IT OTHERWISE ALL I SEE IS THE INSIDE OF THE MASK.”
The lift doors opened, and after entering, we stood in silence; me desperately trying to suppress the urge to rearrange my mask. It felt as difficult as holding back a sneeze or as hard as trying to conceal a fit of the giggles.
This hasn’t been the first time that having a very small head has caused me issues. My entire adult life has been a struggle finding hats to fit my head. Adult hats aren’t only too big in circumference, but they also pose this weird ear issue. Take caps for example, which right now are trending massively thanks to ath-leisure style. Do I tuck my ears under the hat? Or does the fabric just plonk itself down on my head forcing my ears outwards to the side, leaving me looking like Dobby the house elf? Why does no-one else seem to have this problem…? The only solution? Shop in the children’s section – where there’s an abundance of caps to fit your totey teeny head perfectly, as long as you have a penchant for superheroes and Disney princesses: the most common characters that adorn children’s caps, and just accept the fact that your take on ath-leisure is never going to feature on Hype Bae.
I remember on uniform fitting day at work, we queued in a long line waiting to be fitted for that infamous hat. My best friend stood behind me.
“Oh… it’ll be an extra small for you…” the woman said as she sized up my head, rummaging around the box looking for my size. She sat it on my head, and that moment, which I’d expected to be exciting, like I was a princess being crowned, was quite the opposite as she tilted her head to one side. “The extra small still looks a little bit big… but I guess, well… that’s the smallest we have! I’m sure there’s a brain in there somewhere!!!” She chuckled away to herself. Kasia, stepped forward to be fitted next, and soon stopped laughing at my pea sized head when she was gifted her hat in an extra large.
Ever since that moment, it was agreed that any future photographs featuring us both would feature my at the front of pictures, while hers goes to the back – a kind of attempt at proportion control.
Glasses too, pose a problem for the small head club, especially when the small headed person is short sighted and requires glasses pretty much all of the time. Do you know how many times I’ve had to swing by the opticians and ask them to re-bend, tighten and melt my glasses? The answer is, more times than I can remember. The last time I bought new glasses, the optician laughed away as she measured my head. “Oh my, you do have a very tiny head. I’m not sure that we will be able to shorten these frame legs enough to actually fit you! You might want to consider a pair that doesn’t have metal legs.” And this is the real reason that I started wearing contact lenses.
Sunglasses are also a struggle. A few years ago, I was so desperate for a pair of Prada sunglasses. Finally, I decided to go ahead and treat myself. Unbeknown to me at the time, my options were very limited, since every single Prada pair I tried on were so big, that they either slid down my nose to rest on my top lip, or just fell directly from my face whenever I leaned forward – so unfair!
Let’s move on to another thought that normal headed people have probably never had until now. Sleeping – specifically, eye masks, for sleeping. I bought myself a beautiful silky satin eye mask to wear to bed at night. I’m a light sleeper and it’s imperative for me to nail the whole, dark, cold, quiet room thing in order to get a good night’s rest. Envisioning myself like Holly Golightly in Truman Capote’s, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, I imagined that my mask would leave my hair sleek and my skin without pillow imprints. In reality? The mask was too big for my head, and required me to tie a knot in the side of it to stop it from sliding off my face during the night and near strangling me. Holly Golightly? No, I was more like the character in the fairy tale, Princess and the Pea – sleeping on a small, yet extremely annoying lump every night!
There are of course positives to being a pea head. For one, beauty products last longer than the average Jane, meaning more bang for your buck, Expensive foundation is going to last you a while compared to those with a bigger facial mass to paint. It’s just a shame that any type of sheet face mask I’ve ever tried, never fits my head. Even the nose pore strips seem to engulf my cheeks and top lip – not just my nose. In order to get the cut outs in the right place, I end up with half the sheet mask overlapping my hair line and have to make slits in the chin so I can fold the excess around my neck!
Even some beauty treatments are risky. The most popular type of eyelash extensions may look stunning on an average facial sized girl, but put them on a tiny headed woman, and you’ll stun everyone for the wrong reasons – your uncanny resemblance to a camel or cow. Honestly, those lashes were so long for my face, that any time I blinked, the palm trees blew, and waves crashed.
I also have this complex. The reverse of supermodels who have the kind of lollipop look going on. It’s like my body is too big for my face, and in body length photos, my head veers on comical, standing tiny on wide shoulders and long limbs. We often joke that if I was a dog, I’d be a greyhound or a saluki.
But admittedly so, for all my head is little, I pack a whole lot of creative power into that skull. Sense and ability to solve mathematic puzzles, less so… but hey, who cares when your expensive face cream lasts doubly!
Means all those extra pennies can cover the replacement cost of all the sunglasses I keep losing!